Local Convert Upset at Jihad Prospects

A local Calgary man is increasingly upset as he realizes his prospects of joining ISIS are next to impossible. Jason Hemmingway, who doesn’t even know the five pillars of Islam, recently joined the religion after learning about it on the subreddit r/Vatican and website mossad.il/learnaboutislam.

“It’s like they don’t want me to do Jihad or something,” Hemmingway frustratingly told reporters after his journey to various mosques across the city. “I asked for applications, maybe if they’re hiring online, but nobody wants to talk to me about it,” Hemmingway added.

Hemmingway was barred entry from Calgary Headquarters Jamatkhana, was told at Baitun Nur Calgary that they weren’t even real Muslims, and was asked for donations when he visited Green Dome Mosque. Hemmingway admits he is even more confused about Islam than he was prior to his conversion.

The Alberta Human Rights Commission did not respond to inquiries from the media but did issue a statement that people’s race shouldn’t block them from pursuing the career of their choice.