Calgary Water Main Repairs Paused Indefinitely

Repairs to Calgary’s critical water main have been paused indefinitely upon the discovery of historical remains belonging to the First Nations community.

“This is really Treaty 7 territory, after all,” Calgary Mayor Jyoti Gondek said to the media as she shrugged. The small collection of empty Listerine bottles, crushed cans of Colt 45, and empty wrappers of Backwoods Cigars were quickly secured upon discovery.

Local Piikani Tribe Elder Sarge Leakymouth did not respond to calls from the City on how to proceed upon the historical discovery. However, his spokeswoman Haley Sparkle issued a statement to the media, stating that Leakymouth and the Piikani are considering building a casino on the site.

“Montgomery is like another city pretty much. Just move to the inner city if you want water,” stated Ward 8 City Councilor Courtney Walcott (he/him) when asked about the matter. He did not comment when asked whether he held a Canadian passport.

Shares of Johnson & Johnson (NYSE: JNJ), Listerine’s parent company, remained unchanged during trading hours as they focused their PR efforts on Pride Month.