Author: Editor

“They need to keep talking about me, I’m like really important to everything,”

lon Musk Considers Going Vegan

After a failed attempt at privatizing Autism, businessman investor Elon Musk has announced he may consider going vegan in a desperate attempt to stay relevant.

“They need to keep talking about me, I’m like really important to everything,” Musk huffed on a recent podcast with Joe Rogan, who was earlier debating if eating slugs was vegan.

Earlier in the day, Musk published a series of cryptic tweets on X aimed at Microsoft, which is worth almost five and a half times more than Tesla Motors. Musk, who insists he had a difficult childhood, thanked his retired model-dietician mother and his retired engineer-real estate developer father for their support during this difficult time.

Shares of Tesla (NASDAQ: TSLA) remained unchanged after the announcement, as the majority of investors were unexpectedly locked inside their Tesla vehicles across the USA.

 

“We work so hard to violate international law, disturb the world’s economy and put people at risk”

Somali Pirates file Human Rights complaint

Somali Pirates have officially filed a complaint to the Human Rights Commission against the use of the term “Porch Pirate”, citing it as offensive.

“We work so hard to violate international law, disturb the world’s economy and put people at risk”, Ambro Jawahir, graduate of the Mogadishu School of Piracy, said to the media. Jawahir disliked that porch pirates could not even operate a sea faring vessel.

“I don’t care if they’re hijacking ships or stealing packages off the porch, I hate them all”, Jeff Bezos said in an interview with the Associated Press. Bezos added the importance of using more drones for everything from deliveries to monitoring the formation of unions at Amazon warehouses.

FedEx, DHL, and UPS did not respond to a request to an interview but issued a joint statement saying they would respect anyone who chose to identify as a pirate.

 

“We will refer to them as henchpeople or henchellors from now on”

Hezbollah adopting gender inclusive terminology

In the spirit of gender inclusivity and LGBTQ partnership, the Lebanese Militant group Hezbollah will retire the term “henchman” for their foot soldiers.

“We will refer to them as henchpeople or henchellors from now on”, announced Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah yesterday evening.

The move has been applauded by many western governments and organizations such as the Clinton Foundation, WEF and Canada’s Justin Trudeau himself.

Calgary Ward 8 City Councilor Courtney Walcott (they/them), who is an unconfirmed rock chewer, tweeted about unaffordable housing for the 56th time in response to the announcement.