Author: Editor

Calgary Muslim Community Boycotts U.S. Alcohol and Pork in Response to Tariffs

In a show of solidarity with fellow Canadians, the Calgary Muslim community has announced a boycott of all U.S. alcohol and pork products in response to the 25% tariff imposed by U.S. President Donald Trump against Canada.

“He has gone too far this time,” said Malik Ashraf of the Green Dome Mosque in an interview with the press. “We will be boycotting all alcohol and pork products from the America.” When asked if the boycott would continue after the trade dispute is resolved, Ashraf responded, “This is technically, a ‘Trade Jihad’ for us… we will be doing the boycotting for life.” The announcement, made during the month of Ramadan, raised questions about how the community would adjust their iftar—the meal to break the fast. Ashraf assured alternatives were available, stating, “Qarshi Jam-E-Shirin” would be used instead. He noted, “The Boston Pizza in Saddletown Circle is halal, and they provide it for free during iftar.” He then proceeded to ask for donations.

Meanwhile, the Calgary Ahmadiyya Muslim Jama’at has announced the cancellation of its annual “Qadianis in Vegas” trip to Las Vegas in protest of the same tariffs. When questioned about the permissibility of gambling within Islam, a spokesperson for the group responded, “This is a communal, societal-type issue,” before brushing off the media.

Despite the boycott announcement, shares of Brown-Forman Corporation (NYSE: BF.B), the parent company of Jack Daniel’s, remained steady throughout trading hours. Any potential decline was offset by a new major investment from the Public Investment Fund of Saudi Arabia.

Hollywood’s Autism Agenda Canceled

Following the recent controversy surrounding white-African businessperson Elon Musk’s hand gesture, described by him as “definitely not a Nazi salute, go AfD!”, mainstream media has announced they will no longer be glorifying autism in TV shows and movies.

“We thought they were just adults who really liked peanut butter and jam sandwiches,” stated Meredith Stiehm, President of the Writers Guild of America. “Well, The Good Doctor was a trash show anyway,” Stiehm added. She expressed further frustration over disagreements regarding which group to exploit for future entertainment. “We should put the spotlight on the physically disabled; we kind of skipped over them,” Stiehm mentioned.

Leki Linka Glatter, President of the Directors Guild of America, posted on X (formerly Twitter), “We have to focus on creating anti-Muslim content. They were a recent roadblock to achieving our final solution in Gaza. #NotIslamophobiaJustAutism”

The National Autism Association (NAA) was unavailable for comment on the latest updates, as they were in the 48th hour of a meeting attempting to decide a new colour for their new logo, which has remained unchanged since its founding in 1965.

MOSSAD Announces Overhaul of Sharpshooter Program

MOSSAD has announced an overhaul of its sharpshooter program following recent lackluster field performance and failure to achieve mission objectives.

“Our sharpshooters should never miss,” stated Yershiv Genny, part-time MOSSAD spokesperson and full-time war criminal. “A civil war is the best revenue-generating option for us,” he continued. Genny expressed his frustration that the homegrown domestic terrorist narrative was no longer effective, prompting them to explore new tactics.

William J. Burns, director of the CIA, confirmed that they are no longer collaborating with MOSSAD on the mission, codenamed “Au-bain Ve-khamesh” (45 in Hebrew). The partnership ended due to disagreements on how to frame the story against the local Muslim population.

In response, the United Nations announced it would host a series of workshops titled “Crisis Creation for Dummies.” Guest speakers promise to cover topics such as “Manufacturing Consent: The Art of Media Manipulation” and “Proxy Wars 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Destabilizing Regions.” Attendees will also receive a complimentary handbook, “How to Profit from Perpetual Conflict,” sponsored by the IDF.

Researchers Uncover Material More Fragile Than a White Man’s Ego

Researchers at Harvard University have announced the discovery of a material more fragile than a white man’s ego. The material, named “culture” by the founding scientist, is in the process of being submitted to the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences in preparation for a Nobel Prize.

“That sounds super gay,” Lucas Evergreen was heard reacting to the news on the radio after “Believer” by Imagine Dragons finished playing from the speakers of his lifted Ram truck. Evergreen’s red face was clearly visible behind his Under Armour cap and mirrored Oakley sunglasses. “They sound like a bunch of nerds,” he continued. “I’d never invite them to the man cave to watch Archer reruns with the boys.”

At a local bar, a group of white men gathered to discuss the news, their reactions peppered with references to “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Superbad.” The group erupted in laughter, with the conversation quickly devolving into quoting movie lines, their critiques lost in a haze of high-fives.

Jennifer Bonuso, President of Weber Grills, was not available to comment on the discovery, although she was clearly frustrated their grills were mainly used for Guy Fieri recipes.

Oilers Fans Upset at Lack of Riots

After a forgetful and mediocre playoff run ending in a Stanley Cup Game 7 loss, local Edmonton Oilers fans are upset at the lack of rioting and unrest in the city.

“The trashiest city in the country can’t even come through,” an upset Oilers fan was heard shouting in front of Rogers Place. Fans were in disbelief as they couldn’t even come close to the Vancouver 2011 riots, despite having less vegans, EV owners, Sikhs, and East Asians in their city.

Team owner Daryl Katz, who is considering changing the team name to “Edmonton Carbon Credits” in an effort to modernize, is currently exploring legal options against the NHL, deeming the loss as anti-Semitic.

Mayor Amarjeet Sohi was not available to comment on the “Make Edmonton East Hastings” campaign movement, as he was occupied watching the India T20 Cricket World Cup match with Gary Bettman

Diddy Opens Private School for Girls

Sean “Love” Combs, also known as Diddy, also known as Puff Daddy, and also known as P. Diddy, recently inaugurated his private girls’ school in Harlem, New York.

“I guess I can go by Daddy now to these girls,” Combs proclaimed in a Reel uploaded to his official Instagram account. He addressed concerns about student security by showing the media the extensive CCTV network he had installed throughout the school, including in bathrooms and locker rooms. Additionally, the school cafeteria has been renovated with high-security cabinets labeled “Special Snacks.”

When asked about the network of underground tunnels and series of trap doors throughout the complex, Combs responded by singing lyrics from his hit single “I Need a Girl.”

Members of the Harlem Renaissance community expressed their concerns to the media regarding Combs’ insistence on employing an all-male staff at the school.

Local Convert Upset at Jihad Prospects

A local Calgary man is increasingly upset as he realizes his prospects of joining ISIS are next to impossible. Jason Hemmingway, who doesn’t even know the five pillars of Islam, recently joined the religion after learning about it on the subreddit r/Vatican and website mossad.il/learnaboutislam.

“It’s like they don’t want me to do Jihad or something,” Hemmingway frustratingly told reporters after his journey to various mosques across the city. “I asked for applications, maybe if they’re hiring online, but nobody wants to talk to me about it,” Hemmingway added.

Hemmingway was barred entry from Calgary Headquarters Jamatkhana, was told at Baitun Nur Calgary that they weren’t even real Muslims, and was asked for donations when he visited Green Dome Mosque. Hemmingway admits he is even more confused about Islam than he was prior to his conversion.

The Alberta Human Rights Commission did not respond to inquiries from the media but did issue a statement that people’s race shouldn’t block them from pursuing the career of their choice.

Calgary Mayor Wins Contortionist Award

Calgary Mayor Jyoti Gondek has received the World Contortionist Award for having her head so far up her backside.

“The award certificate should say Treaty 7 territory,” mumbled Gondek, who was having difficulty breathing. “Quit mansplaining me,” Gondek was overheard telling off a medical professional who advised her that her latest stunt could be life-threatening.

Mistaking the stench of her inner body for carbon dioxide, Gondek wanted to declare an additional climate emergency but then started reciting the alphabet loudly when told she had already declared one previously.

Ward 8 City Councilor Courtney Walcott (he/him) spoke to the media earlier about the situation, stating, “We need time for healing and understanding first before pointing any fingers.” When asked if he held a Canadian passport, Walcott grabbed rocks out of his pocket and began to chew on them vigorously.

Calgary Water Main Repairs Paused Indefinitely

Repairs to Calgary’s critical water main have been paused indefinitely upon the discovery of historical remains belonging to the First Nations community.

“This is really Treaty 7 territory, after all,” Calgary Mayor Jyoti Gondek said to the media as she shrugged. The small collection of empty Listerine bottles, crushed cans of Colt 45, and empty wrappers of Backwoods Cigars were quickly secured upon discovery.

Local Piikani Tribe Elder Sarge Leakymouth did not respond to calls from the City on how to proceed upon the historical discovery. However, his spokeswoman Haley Sparkle issued a statement to the media, stating that Leakymouth and the Piikani are considering building a casino on the site.

“Montgomery is like another city pretty much. Just move to the inner city if you want water,” stated Ward 8 City Councilor Courtney Walcott (he/him) when asked about the matter. He did not comment when asked whether he held a Canadian passport.

Shares of Johnson & Johnson (NYSE: JNJ), Listerine’s parent company, remained unchanged during trading hours as they focused their PR efforts on Pride Month.

City Council Makes Edmonton Even Less Desirable

Edmonton city council has issued a shutdown notice to an unlicensed gentlemen’s club responsible for numerous bylaw infringements.

The business, located in a home in Central McDougall, was known as “Aunty Ji’s” among patrons. Locals in the area mentioned it was frequented by well-known Albertans, including Preston Manning himself.

After receiving complaints of difficult accessibility by bike and transit, Edmonton Bylaw began their investigation on the home. The unlicensed business was one of the highest rated businesses in the city with a 4.9-star rating and over 1,200 reviews on Google Maps

The local truckers’ union 562 is considering going on strike in opposition to city council’s decision to shut the business down.

Edmonton Mayor Amarjeet Sohi was not available for comment as he was at his aunt’s house for a family emergency.