Calgary Mayor Wins Contortionist Award

Calgary Mayor Jyoti Gondek has received the World Contortionist Award for having her head so far up her backside.

“The award certificate should say Treaty 7 territory,” mumbled Gondek, who was having difficulty breathing. “Quit mansplaining me,” Gondek was overheard telling off a medical professional who advised her that her latest stunt could be life-threatening.

Mistaking the stench of her inner body for carbon dioxide, Gondek wanted to declare an additional climate emergency but then started reciting the alphabet loudly when told she had already declared one previously.

Ward 8 City Councilor Courtney Walcott (he/him) spoke to the media earlier about the situation, stating, “We need time for healing and understanding first before pointing any fingers.” When asked if he held a Canadian passport, Walcott grabbed rocks out of his pocket and began to chew on them vigorously.